U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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