I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
