you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
it's great music for shaving your balls
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
