Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
