yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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