i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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