You're so nebulous sometimes
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
