i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
