there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
