just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
