Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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