Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
