i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox