we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.