when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
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omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life