My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
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I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
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i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?