Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The Most Iconic Met Gala Looks The Kardashian’s Have Rocked
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,