You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2