I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Don't say a word.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever