I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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