Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
