She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
