I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
