They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
