Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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