he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
