so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
