You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
