if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
