If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
