jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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