I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
