What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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