she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
My ATM looks so different sober.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
