Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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