Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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