i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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