frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Randomize
