Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I smell like Dick and happiness
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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