Your face is a jimmy john
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
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