i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
