i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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