Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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