I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
