swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
