I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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