Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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