yo everyone went to the hospital last night
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
