i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
