these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
