According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
