I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
