whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
