U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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