shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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