Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
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Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
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Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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