I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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