Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
