Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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