I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
